


Because it smells like me

by WyntersRain



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dave's Cape, Detectives, F/F, F/M, I should be doing homework, Ironic dinners, M/M, Meteor, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-17
Updated: 2013-10-22
Packaged: 2017-12-29 16:03:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1007350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WyntersRain/pseuds/WyntersRain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the last couple nights Dave's cape has gone missing only to be returned early the next morning, the young Strider whips out his best detective skills and the culprit is the last person or troll he expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Investigations and Ironic Dinners

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGmrFFcR9Ek

"What the fuck?!"

Your name is Dave Strider and goddammit the fucking cape thief strikes again! This is the tenth night in a row your cape has gone missing.

You know you don't misplace it, it is taken. Every night you hang your cape over the headboard of your bed, change into your pajamas and go to sleep. Yet when you wake up during what you suppose is night on the meteor it isn't there, so you just get a snack, check the hallways and go back to sleep. When you wake up the next morning it is returned to it's place.

Maybe Terezi takes it? She does have a weird obsession with red, maybe she steals it and cuddles with it at night. That theory seems plausible but you can't just go accusing her of shit, you need to investigate.

Firstly he needed to et a good look at its room, see what he could find. If someone repeated a crime this many times there had to be some evidence, at least that is what all those old and ironic detective movies he watched told him.

The first instinct he had when he started looking around was to look for footsteps. Most of them wore shoes even during the night, when your stuck on a meteor with a drunk girl,a chainsaw happy troll and a crazy juggalo you are always ready to run. For your life.

Crouching down he examined the area near his bed and near both the doors, one of which led from the bathroom into his bedroom and one that led from the hall into his bedroom.

"Ah ha!" He exclaimed victoriously.

There in front of the bathroom door lay a small faded footprint.

He instantly knew it wasn't Terezi, she was a lady but her feet weren't that small. Maybe it was Rose? Kanaya? What reason did they have to take his cape? 

Maybe Rose took it when she was drunk, or Kanaya saw it is unfashionable. Honestly he hoped it was the second one, he didn't want to even think of what his sister might do with his cape whilst she was drunk.

Perhaps his cape would give some more clues.

As always the cape had been returned by the morning, and it was currently hanging from around his neck. He carefully slipped it over his head laying it out neatly on the bed to look it over thoroughly.

 

Everything looked fine to-Wait, what was that? Near the spot where the fabric would fall over his shoulders there was five small holes, claw marks. 

It had to be one of the trolls, humans didn't have claws. So keeping in mind the claws and the small feet he had narrowed his list of suspects down to Gamzee, Kanaya and Karkat.

He wasn't really sure if Gamzee had small feet, whenever they had seen eachother Dave's focus hadn't exactly been on his feet. He knew he had sharp claws though and the motivation to steal the cape. What was his motivation? He was fucking batshit crazy!

"Dave, Kanaya has prepared us a beautiful feast. Come on!"

The voice almost made him jump out of his skin, he whipped around to come face-to-face with his sister. She seemed to be sober, then again she was probably going to wash down the food Kanaya made with alcohol and wash down that alcohol with more alcohol.

"What has our lovely vampire friend made, nachos?"

A cringe rippled his sisters expression at the word nachos, she gave him a look that said. "Why are you such a pain in the ass?"

"I realize you were raised on microwavable food and apple juice, but some of us have a palette." She hissed in distaste, her forehead creasing. "Now come on before Terezi eats it all."

"Oh, hell nah!" The knight exclaimed in a "ghetto" voice running out of the room and towards the smell of what could only be recognized as roast beef.

He had to admit the setup was quite beautiful, you know in a totally ironic way.

Several candles were placed neatly down the center of the small yet elegant wooden table, Rose has clearly alchemized for this occasion. Napkins,plates and fancy silverware were already at their places. A large bowl of mash potatoes sat in the middle along with a pot of roasted vegetables, and a plate with a large roast beef.

Kanaya sat at the head of the table sipping small cup of ice water, eyeing Terezi next to her who literally had her head in her mashed potatoes. Apparently she had never heard of silverware, because her hands and face and even some of her hair were covered in food. Across from her sat a rather uncomfortable looking Karkat attempting to contain his anger by assaulting his roast beef with a fork.

"Hey Karkles, what did that meat ever do to you?"

The small troll looked up shooting aa death glare in the young Strider's direction. "Can it Strider, I promised Kanaya I wouldn't yell or swear tonight stop provoking me."

"Well this should be fun,"Dave commented a smug grin turning up the corners of his mouth as he took his place between Terezi and Rose. Wait, when had she got here?


	2. Chalk and Pajamas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave plays with chalk and we all get another reason to love Kanaya.

Dinner had gone smoothly, or as smooth as it could go around here anyway. Rose had gotten drunk and ended up having to be carried to her bedroom by Kanaya. Karkat had finally snapped and started yelling at Terezi about her table manners, then he stormed off. Leaving him and Terezi alone.

"Hey Rezi?"

"What?" She responded between mouthfuls of what was left of the mashed potatoes.

"Someone has been stealing my cape every night for the past couple days, everytime I get up to grab some midnight snackage it isn't there but it is always returned in the morning."

"Oh no!" Her hands came up to cover her mouth in mock astonishment, "what kind of monster would steal the great Dave Strider's cape?"

"Your crazy clown hate-boyfriend, or my intoxicated sister." 

"Are those your suspects? Well you can cross Gamzee off the list since he refuses to go anywhere even remotely near your respiteblock." Terezi muttered pulling out a bottle of Faygo from- Where the fuck did that come from? Why do things/people just keep randomly appearing?

"Okay, well how about Rose she could have taken it when she was drunk?" 

"True, but Kanaya keeps her on a pretty tight leash when she drinks to much I don't think she could even get out to steal your cape." The troll girl inquired taking yet another swig of brightly colored soda. "I guess she is still a suspect though, I mean Kanaya has to sleep sometimes."

She pondered on this for a second tapping her chin in exaggerated thoughtfulness."How about this? I have some leftover chalk crumble it up into powder and put it by all the entrances to your room, that way they'll leave delicious red footprints that you can follow in the morning!"

"Oh hell yeah! Thanks Rezi."

"No problem, cool kid. Here's some chalk!" She cackled tossing a piece of bright red chalk into his outstretched hands. 

"I'm off to catch a cape culprate!"

He exclaimed speeding down the twisting and turning hallways of the meteor which were now familiar in a odd way. 

 

It was hard not to miss his door he had painted it bright red and stuck the "Hero of Time" symbol on it along with some random scribbles the mayor had done on the lower portion of the door. He had also wrote the word "Dave" in messy letters on the very top of the door, when Dave had lifted him up.

He crumbled up the chalk in his hands and sprinkled it near his door and the door that lead into his bathroom, as well as the door that lead from that bathroom into his bedroom. 

That is sure to catch the bastard.

Unfortunately the hardcore detective work had to wait, it was movie night with Karkat. As much as Dave tried to brush off watching the shitty romcoms with the little angry troll as irony, he actually enjoyed it. Karkat seemed like the only sane one left on the meteor, and honestly Dave enjoyed his company a lot more than he would ever admit out loud even if he did have to endure his shitty movies.

BANG! BANG!

A loud knock came on the door. Just from the force behind it he knew it was the king of shitty movies himself.

"Come in!" 

He turned around to dig through his drawers for some clean pajamas to wear for the movie. After a while of having movie night in their god tier outfits Karkat had suggested they make it into a sort of "pajama party." Kanaya had made a couple pairs of pajamas for everyone and Rose had made a couple more by dicking around with the alchemiter.

He decided to wear his favorites tonight, a pair of long pajama pants covered with symbols for the quadrants much like his old bed sheets, and a Hero of Time t-shirt. Perfect!

"Dave fucking Strider, stop playing with your clothes and turn around!"

"Dude relax, I need to look strideriffic for your movie night I-"

His voice trailed off, he couldn't speak how do you even form words? Karkat Vantas was standing in your doorway wearing ONLY dark gray boxers. His hands on his hips as he glared his red eyes burning with hatred.

"Stop staring you nooksucker! Kanaya took all my clothes away to wash them, I need to borrow some pajamas."

"Hahah, dude that is so gay!"

 

"I don't give a fuck about your human sexuality, just give me some damn clothes or else I'll be watching movies in my underwear tonight."

 

A slight red blush dusted the normal stoic boy's face, the thought of Karkat spending two hours sitting next to him in his underwear was...confusing. It was a good thing his sunglasses hid most of his face otherwise Karkat would never let him live it down.

"Fine! But you better not get them dirty." Dave hissed in defeat, tossing a pair of shorts in the same pattern his pajama pants were in and his old red and white shirt, which he now chose to wear for pajamas.

"Turn around."

"I don't even get a thank you Kitkat?" Dave purred taking a step closer to the now flustered troll.

"I said turn around you insufferable prick!"


	3. Of Romcoms and Slasher Flicks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Karkat becomes Karcat and Dave likes horror films.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was hard to write, I know nothing about Saw. Sorry, I saw about thirty minutes of it and didn't sleep for a week. ._.

"This movie is really bad, and not even in an ironic way."

Dave found himself once again squished on the opposite end of the love-seat from Karkat, the small troll's eyes fixed on "50 First Dates." Jesus Adam Sandler has to be satan because this movie is Dave's own personal hell. This is the fucking third movie night in a row that they watched this shit, he didn't even think Karkat liked this movie!

"Shut the fuck up, I said I would let you pick the next movie."

Oh right, once in awhile his highness would let the lowly knight pick the second movie. Normally Dave just looked for a movie that included buckets to spite the small troll. However, there is only so many movies involving buckets, but you should have seen how he reacted to "Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs."

This time Dave had better ways to punish the small troll for liking those shitty romcoms. He hoped Karkat liked slasher flicks because tonight they were watching "SAW." This would be fun, Karkitty would be hiding under the blanket for half the movie and would probably not sleep for a week. 

Finally the movie ended! 

"Yes! Horror time." 

"Wait, you picked a horror film?" The small troll had sunken back slightly into the couch, his face looked like the face of someone who was trying to be brave when really they were scared shitless.

"Bro, don't tell your scared of a little gore."Dave turned around slightly to face his frightened companion a slight smirk turning up the corners of his lips.

"Fuck you Strider. I have fought actual horror terrors, in reality I can handle some shitty wriggler film about an asshole in a mask."

"Whatever you say Kitkat." The blonde chuckled, spinning around raather dramatically on his heels and pressing play on the remote, before flopping down on his end of the love-seat.

Sometimes he didn't know why they bothered sitting on the same couch, they always huddled at opposite ends trying to put as much space in between them as possible. The only contact they ever made was when their hands bumped against each other whilst reaching for some popcorn, like a scene in some shitty romance film. Though it didn't end with them making out in the rain infact t usually ended up with Dave having to remove Karkat's claws from his flesh.

 

This movie wasn't great, Saw was his Bro's thing. Nevertheless Karkat's reactions made it worthwhile, he swear he heard the "fearless leader" whimper a couple times. 

All of his reactions paled in comparison to the terrific responses he had to Jigsaw cutting people in half. He literally started flinching and digging his claws into the leather of the sofa, some of the white stuffing poking out from the small holes he made.

A scream rang through the small room they sat in, the image of yet another girl being sawed in half flashed across the screen. 

"No, fuck no. No! Fuck."

Karkat glanced around frantically, looking for a pillow, a blanket really anything to hide the scene from his vision and block out the noise. His wide eyes locked with my shaded ones, he looked completely petrified I almost felt sorry for making him watch the movie with me.

Yet another ear shattering scream blasted from the stereos on the TV, with a finally jerk of fright from the petite troll he flung himself across my lap. He had broke that space between us, the no-mans land, the no touchy-touchy rule. 

I tried to tell him to move, this was breaking some major rules of the bro-code, I was frozen though. He was never like this I mean sure he was insecure, but this wasn't insecurity it was pure panic.

As the noises of screaming and splattering guts continued to make the atmosphere in the room tense and heavy. I could feel him lifting my shirt up his fingertips grazing my bare stomach, my breath caught in my throat and I could feel my face getting hot. He shoved his head under my shirt his breath was warm as it hit my skin.

Finally I felt able to move again, I wiggled my fingers to make sure I still had control of my limbs. Snatching the remote from the small table beside me I slammed my finger down on the off button, the TV fading to black and the room fell into silence. 

I could feel his breathing quicken as the room fell into complete darkness, his bony legs moved in closer to his chest until he was curled up in a fetal position on my lap his face buried under my shirt.

My stoic facade often made people scared to approach me for casual conversation let along any kind of sympathy or comfort, this was unfamiliar territory to me. Maybe it was instinct, or maybe all those romance movie the very troll curled up in his lap had made him watch, either way I extended a hesitant hand and began to softly stroke his back with the tips of my fingers.

 

My fingers began to trace patterns on his back, they started as lines and sloppy circles but soon turned into intricate designs and picture. I drew his sign, the record from my shirt in which he was wear, I even drew his nubby horns and messy hair. I slight chuckle bubbled up from my chest and softly slipped past my lips, his breath stopped abruptly at the sound. It was soft and faint but I felt it, he pressed a soft kiss to the area underneath my naval and he softly began to purr? It was a soft and steady rumbling I could feel his chest vibrating against me.

I could feel myself begin to nod off, his warmth conbinded with mine was like a blanket my eyelids felt like the wight of the meteor wwas pulling down on them. I'll be damned if I'm going to fall asleep having snuggle time with Karkat, Kanaya and Rose would have a fucking party when they found us in the morning. I didn't fancy waking up to cooing girls and more importantly something I would never live down.

Moving my knees slowly I tried to push him off, and he growled at me! His nickname is now and forever Karkitty, now even I couldn't say this wasn't adorable.

"Come on, unless you want to give the girls a free show in the morning you have to move."

A hiss of defiance came from underneath my shirt and his claws pricked at my thighs, not enough to draw blood but enough to cut my pajama pants and sting. Ow!

Well I suppose we are doing this shit the hard way, screw him and his lazy (and really attractive) ass.

"Okay then your highness, you leave me no choice."

Softly I ran my hands down over the curve of his hips, and grazed his thighs before wrapping my arms around the area where his thighs curved up into his rump. A rather feminine squeak left his mouth. Due to his small size it was rather easy to basically manhandle him he might as well have been a stuffed animal. Slowly his head slipped from beneath my shirt to rest on the clothed surface of my chest his arms and legs wrapping around my torso when I stood up.

Yet as I made my way to his bedroom one of his feet lost its gripped and slipped to swing with the motion of my steps. I glanced downwards as it bumped against my thigh, and all I could think was.

"Damn, he has small feet."


	4. Of Moody Trolls and Kanaya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dave is an asshole and Kanaya morphs into the Dolorosa.

A loud mechanical beeping rang through the small gray room, bouncing off the walls allowing the sound to echo.

A pale hand reached from beneath the red sheets, slamming down on the snooze button with an unnecessary amount of force. Slowly emerging from the warmth of his bed, Dave reached for his shades on his nightstand slipping them onto his face relieving some of the headache he had.

Parting his jaws in a yawn, he slowly regained normal brain function. The first clear that that popped up in his brain managed to slither from his head and spill from his chapped lips.

"Karkat!"

Not bothering to brush his teeth or hair, or even get dressed for that matter he rushed through the winding corridors of the meteor. Skidding to halt in front of a single gray door at the end of one of the hallways. The sign on the door simple read,"Leader Control Center." Typical Karkat.

Karkat had looked so distressed the other night, he overreacted to that movie. Dave wasn't really clear in his own mind if he was going to heck on Karkat to tell him to grow some testicles or to see if he wasn't scarred for life.

Extending a slightly freckled fist he- the door opened. Kanaya emerged looking shocked at Dave's close proximity, even in her pajamas with bed hair the jade blood looked elegant. He had to give Rose props.

"Hello David."

Oh, shit she was using his full name. She never does that, no one ever does that unless something is seriously wrong or they are accusing him of something.

"Whatever it is, I didn't do it."

A carefully groomed eyebrow was raised at the quick remark, and her arms folded in front of her chest.

"I see. So you were not the one to force Karkat to watch what you huams refer to as a "slasher film."

Fuck. He was busted, caught red handed. Kanaya's gae burned into him a little more with every passing second, her entire posture just screamed "protective mother."

"Yeah, I was. What is the big deal? Karkat is a big boy."

Against it, he could practically see her stringing together the perfect combination of words to make him feel like a horrible person for hurting her man child.

"Well you see, gore and blood do not scare Karkat. He has seen plenty of gore, it is who the blood leaks from that causes him though he was no emotional attachment to the actors portraying the victims it still brings back...memories."

Fuck, fuckety, fuck, fuck, fucker.

How the fuck did he forget, Karkat had basically watched a good portion of his friends die. They were strangled,shot,stabbed, sawed in half, the list goes on and on.

"Shit, Kanaya I totally fucking forgot."

"Hm, I see." She hummed, her eyes still fixed on his face his ectosister must have been rubbing off on her because she looked as if she was trying to psychoanalysis him.

He had to admit he felt bad for Karkat, and the current state of the small troll was all his fault. The movie was meant to scare him but no to this extent, he just fucked up royally.

"Can I talk to the little guy?"

"I'm sorry David, but Karkat requested specifically that I don't let you in."

That asshole, he seemed pretty cozy in my presence last night why can't I see him now? Jesus, he is one moody troll.

Mayaram cleared her throat, knocking my train of thought off the rails and hurtling it into a freezing fucking lake. "Now if you would excuse me I have some-" she paused delicately thinking over her word chose "Business to attend too."

"If your going to go screw my sister, just say so."


End file.
